Middle Schoolers

Telling people you are pregnant is a fun and even nerve-wracking experience. Dave and I came up with different ways to tell the people closest to us. Some got cell phone pics of the ultra-sound. I surprised a few by answering the question, "How are you?" with the answer "Pregnant." Some it slipped out before I even knew it was going to happen. Some friends found out reading comments and status updates on facebook.

I teach middle school, at an alternative school, and my students are a challenging bunch. I'm barely showing, but I'm at about 15+ weeks and I haven't figured out how to tell them. My plan was to announce it to my "advocate" group (like a homeroom, only more community oriented), and let them spread it around. But after winter break, I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel like it. Chalk it up to hormones, or perhaps logic. Middle school students are an interesting cross section of humanity. They simply cannot be expected to show empathy or an appropriate amount of enthusiasm. They are not likely to censor their thoughts, and since pregnancy is so closely related to sex, I cannot expect them not to "go there."

My sweet daydream of a special moment with my favorite students, quickly turned to a nightmare image of pimply, horny adolescents catcalling and asking inappropriate questions about sexual positions. They are also likely to point out that I've been moodier than usual. They might (and I flatter myself) resent the growth in my uterus for the attention it will be getting from me. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it might be fun to just grow and see who notices. I won't deny being pregnant if it comes up, but I decided not to announce it either.

Cue the loud-mouthed 5 year old. My coworkers know, so it's not surprising that my coworker's daughter, a frequent visitor to the school, also knows. At first, she didn't believe her mother, because I didn't have the huge belly that defines pregnancy for most 5 year olds. After assuring her I was, in fact, quite pregnant, she seemed satisfied.

Last Thursday, I was helping three students with homework after school. All girls. My coworker had picked up her daughter and brought her back to the building. She peeked into the room. "Hi Denise," she said. I returned the greeting. She looked a bit sheepish, and right away I knew, she was going to give it away. "Denise...are you?" she paused and smiled. "Are you going to have a b..." another pause. "A baby?"

I'm sure I blushed. "Go find your mom," was my response to her.

"My mom's next door," she said.

"Then go talk to Fred," I told her, feeling a bit hot. Fred is our counselor. She left me alone with the three students, now all staring at me.

"Are you?" asked B.

"Am I what?" I asked back, trying to be unaffected.

"Going to have a baby?" She was a rosy-cheeked girl by nature, but the intensity of her question raised the color.

"Well, eventually," I said, and shrugged, turning to the page in front of us to attempt redirection.

"Oh," said B. "I was gonna say..."

I thought, just for a second, I was safe. But then came the question that would require either truth or a blatant denial. "Are you pregnant?" asked D, another student in the room.

I hesitated, but only for a second. This was actually an ideal situation for the secret to leak. 3 girls, all sweet, all somewhat discreet. "Yes. Yes I am."

"Really?" said W, the 3rd student. "That is so cool." Her freckled face was sincere. She looked really excited.

"You don't look pregnant," said D. "I look more pregnant than you do." She leaned back and patted her belly, just a little bloated with extra adolescent pounds.

"Well, I'll look pregnant soon enough. Believe me."

The following day, we had a all-school trip to Oaks Park to go roller-skating. I expected to be bombarded by rolling students asking quesitons. But those three girls can keep a secret. At least for a day. They did admit they told one other girl, and she would ultimately be the big leak, but I was okay with it. I was ready for students to know. I might even get some sympathy behavior from them.

At one point during the roller skating, the program director (my boss), came up to me. "Some of the students are asking if we can announce your news over the loud speaker." I was skating around, supervising students. "It would be a good way to get the news out there," she said.

I smiled, and again hesitated, but only briefly. "No, I don't think so. I don't want it to go down like that."

She nodded, clearly understanding. "Thought I'd ask." She skated away. I'm not a particularly shy or private person, so I'm not sure why I refused the opportunity for something that would put me in the spotlight. Maybe I want to relish all the individual discoveries, rather than get blasted with reactions all at once. It's such a special and personal thing, I'm worried about my own reaction to the way others handle the news.

Since then, the word has spread slowly. The kids are sweet about it. They seem suprised, pleased, curious, shy. It's nice to have it trickle to a few kids at a time. Gives me more special moments, and sometimes, eye-opening ones.


Yesterday at lunch, a couple of kids called me over to the table.

"Are you...?" Student 1 paused, looking embarrassed.

"Are you pregnant?" Student 2, the outspoken one, blurted.

Student 1 got some courage. "Yeah, cuz I heard you was 5 months pregnant."

I smiled. "Well, yes, I am. I'm only 16 weeks- so about 4 months, but yes, I'm pregnant."

They smiled. 1 and 2 are girls, and seemed content with that information. Student 3 had been silently munching his quesadilla. He decided to speak. "Are you pregnant by your husband?"

Here, time stood still a bit. My first reaction was to be offended. Was he being crude? But I looked at his face. It was calm, curious, no sign of naughtiness or joking. He was asking me this question seriously.

"Well, of course I am. Of course it's my husband's baby."

He shrugged, took another bite. "Well, because not all women are...you know...pregnant by their husbands."

"I guess you're right. I guess that's true."

This kid was 13. How does a 13 year old think to ask that? I retold the story to some of my coworkers and most of them laughed. My boss nodded. She has a 1 year old daughter and had worked at the school through her pregnancy. "The kids were shocked that I had a husband, "she said. "And beyond that, that we were still together. And still more shocking, that he was the father. It's just not in their world view."

And while the comment was humorous, entertaining, one for the blog, it made me sad. It highlights the difference between me and my students. I was grown up to believe in marriage and fidelity and loyalty. These values take most of my students by surprise. In a school that serves students living in poverty and often violence, a present, supportive father is a rarity.