80/20

It is hard to justify writing in my blog with so many other things to do. But my goal is to complete at least one entry--however short--a week. We'll see.

This morning was a bit rough. My mellow angel baby who sleeps well and rarely cries has been super fussy. She's refusing to nap- though I can see she's tired. She's crying more, and I'm a little scared that this is the beginning of a trend- though there is no logic considering the past 6-weeks have been suprisingly fuss free. Everyone has bad days. This is one of hers.

Couple that with one of my bad moods and you get a mess. Baby crying. Mommy crying. Daddy confused. A bit of a wasted morning.

Here's what it comes down to. 80% of the time, I feel so privileged to be the mommy. I get to breastfeed her (though this comes with challenges and frustrations too- but that's for a later blog). I am the sole care-taker, even though my husband is more involved than 99% of dads out there. But, he works full time. AJ is my full time job. And I spend probably about 6-8 hours a day just feeding and changing her. Usually, I love it- even the poopy diapers. She's beautiful, pleasant, interesting and a part of me. In fact, most of the time, I'll tell you this is easier and more fun than people say it is.

This morning was part of the other 20%. As I work to feed a fussy baby and my husband goes outside to work out and play around in the garden, I start to feel sorry for myself. This is my life, and my first responsibility. On days when she doesn't nap, I don't get a chance to work out or even shower when I want. It's hard to fit in meals some times. Dave's trying to help me. "Let me take care of her while you go workout."

I'm in an unreasonable mood and frankly, a bit too tired and frustrated for working out to sound like a good idea, though I'd just complained about not having time to work out. "Well, do I work out? Eat breakfast? Shower? Which of these important things do I choose, because I don't have enough time to do all three? And what about you? I was hoping to spend some quality time together."

Dave throws out several logical options that hit at least 2 of the 3 activities, but I shoot them all down. I'm just set on feeling sorry for myself. This is my life now. Catering to the needs of a small little human being with moods and demands and a personality that I'm still trying to figure out. I love her, but I don't always get her.

Truth is, I'm ashamed of these moments of self-pity. I want to be the always on, always happy mama bear that has no trouble putting the needs of her young above all else. And believe me, I know this is a privilege and most of the time it feels like one. But occasionally, I have a little pity party. I envy my husband the part-time nature of his role. He gets a kick out of her when she's fussy, because then he goes to work and sees much more fussy people in the ER.

A pregnant friend asked me for my best piece of advice after a month of motherhood. Here it is: Expect the 20% moments. Roll with them. Know they will pass. Forgive yourself for being a little selfish. Your life is about to change in a major way. It is amazing, beautiful, meaningful. But it's hard and at times scary and frustrating. No relationship is perfect- so you're bound to have down moments with this new little person at the center of your life. But the ups much outweigh the downs. 80% to 20% at least. Maybe more like 90% to 10%, now that my little angel is napping. And after a successful, long feeding, I got a smile. Totally worth it.