On parenting philosophies

I didn't realize until I got pregnant and started reading loads of pregnancy and parenting books, how defined the world of raising babies has been. There are whole "philosophies" outlined and practiced and coached and taken to extremes. It's kind of like politics. People seem to belong to one camp or another. People become fanatics about breast-feeding and sleeping schedules. They judge others who don't see eye to eye. There are blogs upon blogs of people arguing for their way or against the ways of others. There is bitterness and animosity. People are mean and self-righteous. They have totally lost sight of the whole purpose they chose a certain "way" to bring up their child. They just wanted to do what's right for the baby.

But I don't know if I can always blame them. Parenting styles, like anything else that people are passionate about, can be polarizing. I do not mean to judge, and I have no place to judge (considering my inexperience), so if some of my commentary comes across as judgmental, I apologize in advance. I am just forming my own ideas as I read what's out there.

This whole journey on parenting styles started at a bowling alley. One of the residents in Dave's program has an adorable 2-year-old boy and newborn twins. The whole family came out for the bowling get-together, and I was impressed by how content babies were, how polite and good-natured older brother was, and how rested and amiable the parents appeared. They recommended a book called On Becoming Baby Wise. They said they followed that book and consequently, their son slept through the night at 8 weeks, and their twins were already doing so at 10 weeks.

Dave and I immediately vowed to go get the book. And we did. I've read it and passed it onto Dave. Upon mentioning it to others, people tend to react somewhat strongly. Some were very enthusiastic. Someone referred to it as "strict." Someone told my husband it was like a cult. Having read through and found no odd suggestions or sacrifices required, I feel this is an unfounded accusation. But I will allow that judgment so I can have mine.

Chapter One drew me in right away. This chapter is called, "Your baby needs a family." It warns about "child-centered parenting" in which the marriage relationship become secondary to the parent-child relationships. It encourages couples to remember to focus on the importance of their relationship, because in doing so, the baby will be more secure. This makes sense to me. I know our life is going to change immensely- in fact, it already has. But I am totally in love with my husband, and can't imagine deprioritizing our relationship, though I see it happening in many families. Again, I feel like maybe I sound selfish here, like I want to have my cake and eat it too. But I think I CAN, and this book validates those thoughts. It says you can fulfill all of your child's needs, without sacrificing your own or that of your marriage. *Big sigh of relief*

This book does at times sound too good to be true, and does claim that you can have your child sleeping through the night by 12 weeks by putting some extra effort into the breast-feeding schedule. The goal is long, full feedings at fairly regular intervals so that the whole family has some predictability and flexibility. This schedule, if done right, leads naturally to longer nights and dropped feedings until baby just works into 10 hours of healthy sleep. Which means parents can get more sleep and alone time as a result. Sounds great, right? Read the book. It's convincing. It works around a central idea of "parent-directed feeding" (PDF) that seems to be a happy medium between "demand-feeding" (always offer the boob at baby's first sign of restlessness or hunger) and the very strict "clock-feeding," in which time becomes more important than the baby. I certainly don't want to be a clock feeder. It sounds unnatural and unhealthy. Likewise, the book makes some interesting objections to demand feeding, including that you overlook the real needs of the child, babies often end up "snack-feeding" and don't spend enough time in one sitting to get to the richest "hind-milk" and that moms become sleep-deprived and frustrated when in the habit of offering the nipple every time baby gets fussy.

Demand feeding is closely linked to a style of parenting called "Attachment Parenting" (AP). I know many loving mothers who follow this philosophy, and the last thing I want to do is de-value their efforts or intentions. However, the more I read about it, the more I think, "This is not for me." Granted, I want my child to be "attached" to me, and I plan to hold and cuddle and love my baby A LOT, but that is as far as I wish to take the word attachment. This parenting style, at least in it's extreme, condones demand feeding. This leads to several other practices, and this is where I veer off. AP encourages parents to literally be "attached" to their baby. They recommend carrying the child in a sling as much as possible, allowing the child to sleep and feed as it desires. Where they really lose me, though, is with the practice of co-sleeping. They encourage parents to have children in their rooms, in close vicinity or even in the bed with them, indefinitely, as far as I can tell. And they encourage allowing the child to self-ween, meaning that many children may nurse well into toddlerhood. One website has pictures of moms with an infant on one breast and a toddler on the other.

I know myself, and I know my sleep habits, and I know that if I had a baby in our bed or even in our room, I would get NO SLEEP! And I wonder about intimacy between parents who adopt this "family bed" (AP's term, not mine). When it comes to sex, I don't even like it when my dogs are w/in earshot of the action. I just don't see myself as a co-sleeper. Again, am I being selfish? I have talked to people who had a baby in a basinette in their room for the first 6 months or so, just for the convenience of those nighttime feedings. That makes some sense to me, though I still plan on having my daughter sleep in a crib. I also realize I will probably end up with the air mattress in the nursery at times, and that's okay. But on some of the AP websites I perused, parents had multiple kids sleeping in their bed through childhood, even into their early teenage years.

One of the mothers in my pre-natal yoga class is pregnant with her 2nd child. Her first is almost two, and sleeps on a futon beside their bed. She says he is a wiggly one, and has fallen out of his bed every night for over a week. He is too young to pull himself back onto the bed, so he lays there and cries until she wakes up and puts him back. He is unhurt, as it is a low bed. She voiced the concern that she did not know what to expect when she had two young children in her room at night. She sighed and looked tired.

So for me, I think the only reasonable decision is to keep the baby out of the bed. I will love this baby as much as any other mom, but I do not think that co-sleeping can possibly be conducive to my goal of keeping my marriage vibrant and prioritized. Feel free to raise arguments if you have proof otherwise. Again, I recognize my naivete when it comes to all this. Maybe I will be singing a different tune 4 months from now, but I don't think so.

Transitions in my mind

So, I've reached the point where I'm more focused on the end product than the process. I'm less anxious, more excited. I've stopped seeing pregnancy as the main event, and started looking ahead to having a baby. I'm talking labor, delivery AND immediately after when parenting begins. Maybe my journey is being shaped by the books I'm reading. Maybe it's just the beauty of a 40-week adjustment period, in which Baby just naturally makes herself more and more real and obvious. The progression from the abstract double line on the pregnancy test, to the faint and very fast sound of the heartbeat, to the skeletal images of the ultrasound, to consistent movement and kicking and repositioning that I can feel internally and see externally, this little girl is gradually initiating me into motherhood.

After Misconceptions, I moved onto the much gentler and positive Birthing from Within. This may sound crazy, but I've started to get excited about labor! I'm one of those people who looks forward to getting shots, just because I know I can handle it. I like strenuous workouts and activities for the way they make me feel ALIVE and for the stories I get to tell afterwards. I'm not truly comparing labor to a shot or a strenuous workout, but I am getting excited about the experience of it. And I guess I know, as this little girl wriggles around inside me and as I fall more in love with her, that the effort and strain will be worth it, exponentially more so than any vaccine's immunity or workout's new muscle fibers.

Back to the book. Birthing from Within is a lovely book about the personal experience of birth. It encourages women (and their partners) to do "birth art," journaling, and introspection to prepare for the big event. I guess some may say it's a bit "new agey" or "hippyish," but after the very REAL Misconceptions, it's a nice change of pace, working the other side of my brain, perhaps. Also, while Misconceptions made me feel a bit out of control, Birthing from Within makes me feel a bit more in control. One excerpt spoke to me, "Who you are in labor and as a mother is merely an extension of who you are in the rest of your life. So if you want to be present and strong in birth, you need to practice that way of being in your everyday life. The patterns of your life are all cut from the same cloth." The passage is a comfort to me, because I am happy with who I am as a person and how I handle most situations. I feel like both books have been important in helping educate me about the process, and now it is up to me to visualize the birth of my daughter and prepare mentally for the difficult and rewarding task of delivery.